On Perception

As much as my pride would love to say that I have a healthy body image, the truth is, this isn't always true.

Most days, I am happy with me. All of me. Just as I am. 

When I'm running or lifting, I feel that I look like this: 

Rachel Cieslewicz, Ultra runner extraordinaire

Or this: 

Andrea Ager, cross-fit badass

I feel strong, powerful and like the most awesome woman on the planet. It's no wonder that I'm more confident in a sports bra than a regular one. 

Last year, when I was 20 pounds heavier, despite 4 or 5 days of cross-fit workouts, I was in a terrible, terrible place body image-wise. I think this was mostly because I didn't understand why I was gaining weight (and not in a good way) when I was doing something that was supposedly better for me than just running all the time. Neither of my neurologists mentioned that the medication they put me on to help with my migraines had a very common side effect: weight gain. 

Perhaps it seemed like a non-issue for someone who was having frequent migraines. For me, it was an issue. Sometimes, I wish it wasn't, but it was. And because my headaches weren't getting better and my self-esteem was as low as it was in junior high (did anyone have high self-esteem then??), I got myself off all the prescription meds we'd tried over the past 7 years, except for the Imitrex that was only as-needed, when a monster headache was coming on.

Then, it took three months of two-a-days and eating clean 90% of the time to get that extra weight off. Sometimes, when I think about it, I still get really mad. When I was given my medication options from the neurologist, they mentioned one might not be good because it caused weight loss; why would weight gain be considered ok and something to not mention to a patient? Aren't we in an obesity epidemic?

I find myself doing a lot of before and after comparisons and sharing them with friends. Oddly enough, this isn't to brag about my weight loss; it's often a way for me to take off my "fat glasses", as I like to call them. I know that I can't always look in a mirror objectively, but photos don't lie. For whatever reason, when I put photos side by side, even the devil on my shoulder can't argue with the results. And I share them with friends to make sure that the devil isn't being silent just to trick me. 

Brown University has an amazing website on body image that I assume is maintained by the student health center. It's an amazing read for pretty much everyone - I bet that each and every one of us has some type of body image issue, whether it's directed at ourselves, or at others (ie, size prejudice). 

One of the things I liked best about cross-fit was that it was never about how you looked, unless you were talking about your form while squatting. It was about being strong and badass, which is all I really need. When I workout now, I try to keep that mentality with me, instead of thinking about burning fat or finally getting the "dream body". 

I had this photo of a dream body posted in my closet. The photo is actually of 800m runner Maggie Vessey, who, long after I found the photo, I learned is the type of runner I want to be - both fast and a heaver of weights. Ironically enough, the 800 was what I ran in junior high, when I hated running.

Maggie Vessey, 800m runner and all around badass

As I've learned more about Maggie, her running history and what it takes to be a world-class 800m runner, I'm glad I found this photo, because it represents so much more now than a nice set of lady guns and killer legs. Although I've taken the photo down and replaced it with performance goals in both lifting (deadlift: 300 pounds, bench: body weight) and running (24 minute 5K, 50 minute 10K), I now follow Maggie and a few other 800m runners for a regular dose of inspiration. There are smaller, stepping stone goals to those big ones, but they keep me focused on performance rather than looks. In the past year, I've realized how important that is. And when my hip is healthy, I know I can meet those running goals. I know I can. I just need to not be broken.

In my body image search on Google, I found the following photos, comparing Barbie and a doll developed by a Pittsburgh man that he called "Average Barbie", a doll based on CDC data that provided the average measurements for a 19 year old girl in the US: 

I like average Barbie, cuz she's got some junk in the trunk, and we all know that I am big on having a nice butt. Barbie has runner's butt, which is fine if you are an elite distance runner, but most of us could probably benefit from a more than less, rather than a less is more mentality, at least when it comes to our behinds. I suppose this applies to a few other things, too, like being nice to strangers.

All of this rambling started because I took the following photo after my awful MRI and immediately thought "my leg is so flabby", but I looked at it a few days ago (when I started writing this post) and thought, "wow, that's a pretty darn good looking leg". And I didn't even notice that my tummy (my biggest insecurity) was showing a little. That's just how good I thought my leg looked.

That's a pretty darn good looking leg.

See? Blinders. Messed up rose-colored glasses. Instead of the camera, my own eyes add 10 pounds.
I'm working on it, and if I'm lucky enough to be the mom to a little girl and (when she grows up) a fantastic woman, I hope that, in this one aspect, she isn't like me. And I hope I have something to do with that.

At the very least, she is getting an Average Barbie.